I live in Los Angeles. The city where the car is king, and public transportation sucks ass. Every day, I go through the worst freeway bottleneck in the entire United States to get to work, and again to get home. The dreaded I-405/US-101 interchange, which was clearly designed by either a complete moron, or someone who was hard of sight. So I like to think I know a little bit about traffic. While crawling through the 405/101, I often wonder about all the reasons for the traffic in Los Angeles, and what could be done to reduce it. None of these solutions would cost a dime, and would just require the very people who complain about traffic to adjust their behaviors to make it better for everyone.

#1: Stop Being an Asshole.
The merge onto the 101N from the 405S is treacherous enough. The ramp dumps you onto the exit ramp for Haskell Ave, and the window to merge into traffic is about 500 feet long (told you the designer was a moron). Problem is, LA drivers are notorious assholes. The most efficient way to change lanes is to not use your blinker. People see that blinker, and they immediately speed up to close the gap so you can’t get in front of them. What, one more car in front of you is really going to make you late to your Yoga class? Don’t be a dick, let me in. Oh, and if I let you in, would it really be so difficult for you to give a little wave to say thanks?

#2: Keep Your Eyes Forward
Like the advice for when you’re in a skid, “look where you want to go”. This means straight ahead. If you’re in the far left lane, and three lanes over, the exit ramp is backed up, this doesn’t mean that you need to slam on the brakes. If nobody is in front of you, you don’t need to slow down. Keep fucking driving. Oh, there’s an accident on the shoulder? What the fuck are you slowing down for? Are you a doctor? Are you going to hop out and perform roadside surgery on the injured party? No. Let the EMT’s do their job, and keep driving. I know we’re in Los Angeles, and the paparazzi has trained us to believe that we need to see every single thing in life, even if it is as asinine as Jessica Simpson getting a latte at the Coffee Bean. But in reality, you don’t need to see what’s going on. This also goes for slowing down to see people get a ticket, someone on the overpass taking photos, a red carpet opening at a dealership on the other side of the freeway, or someone walking along the median of the freeway. (Sadly, I’ve witnessed all of these situations causing miles of backup) Keep driving! You don’t need to slow down to look, and if you hit someone walking on the roadway at 50mph instead of 75mph, they’re not going to be less dead. You’re on the road, drive the car. Same thing goes for using your cell phone. Unless you’re skilled enough to text and drive without reducing your speed, wait until you’re at a red light. If I see another 50 year old person looking down and squinting at their phone trying to send a text message, they’re going to get a horn and a finger.

#3: There is a Road on the Other Side of the Turn
If there’s an unexplained reason for traffic, (like there isn’t a 4 car pileup or construction blocking lanes) then there’s a good chance there is a curve in the road. It’s almost as if people are afraid that on the other side of the turn, the freeway drops off and they’ll careen to the center of the earth. Like I’ve said about crowds at Disneyland, that when they walk through the gates of the Happiest Place on Earth, their IQ drops about 50 points, it’s almost as if when people drive past the Los Angeles City Limits, they are instilled with a fear of curves and a subconscious reaction to take their foot off the accelerator whenever they see a curve in the road ahead. It’s OK people, the freeway is still on the other side of the road, you can accelerate with confidence.

While it’s wishful thinking that these three simple ideas would ever come to fruition, I think we’d all be better off with automated freeways. You pull onto the road, and each car is taken over by a computer that locks in your speed and lane. If you want to exit, you tell the system where you want to get off the highway, and it clears a path for you. Think about traffic utopia the next time you’re sitting on the 405 going 2 miles an hour. At least you’ll have one thing to smile about.